cat crime whodunnit

at some time between bedtime last night and o-dark:thirty this morning, a crime was committed. the horrifying scene was discovered by an off-duty, barely awake crime-scene photographer on the early feeding shift. (o-dark:thirty, remember--hence the non-quality of some of the pictures.)

 

the scene: cabinet high atop pantry cabinet adjacent to cold-box storage. note the two bottles injured in the fray. fortunately, no leakage occurred.

victim 1:  found lying at the base of the pantry cabinet, 5' below the door of his home.

victim 2: found halfway across the kitchen; shared address with windex.

victim 3: another roommate of the two other vics. dragged bodily to the computer room, viciously ripped open, bitten severely, and completely eviscerated!! every scrap of his innards was gone!

suspects one and two: the bash brothers, aka ed and nitro. ed has a prior conviction for picking open a cabinet door, which crime was documented on film. nitro is known to be ruthless when lusting for cheese--even cheese-dust or crumbs.

suspect 3: igmu sapa, layin' low, up high. known to have an affinity for high places.
________________________________________

 a vigorous inspection of whiskers and paws followed immediately upon discovery of the crime, but results were inconclusive.

a known associate of the three, the dbd (aka cocoa), was positively excluded from suspicion, having been locked in the bedroom with the photographer and the photographer's husband during the period in which the crime occurred.

local law enforcement is stumped, so we put it to you, cat bloggers--

WHO DUNNIT?

HAPPY PURRTHDAY, MISS MARG!!

mr chewy review

some time (an embarrassin' amount of time, we admits), mr chewy's assistant, brent, invited us to eat an' review a variety of stuff frum mr chewy's webstore. well, free food? bring it on!!! so we's starting off wif cocoa, aka the dbd: mommer got her the doggie wishbone, the flossies spiral chew, an' the wizzlers beef treat. in her own words:

"mmmmm. chompslurpchewchewchewmmmmmmmsssslobberchompslurpnomnomnom. gulp. jeez, that was good--y'got enny more?"

no complaints from her at all, an' efurrytime mommer gave her one, she attacked them like she hadn't been fed for hours. really; she's a dawg--what can you expect? mommer thinks they were excellent quality, well packaged, din't stain the rugs, an' thinks they MUSTA been really good--the dbd even growled at us when we came ovur to sniff 'em, an' she usually doesn't do that.

now. on to the important stuff--OUR opinions!

zukes natural purrs tender chicken treats--four paws up (all of us liked them), an' mommer thought it was a furry good thing there is no wheat or corn or soy innit. (she's partial to rice an' barley herself, an' thought we should eat more.)

we kin say ditto--four paws up--fur the halo real chicken treats, although we don't remember that one real good, acause we inhaled it all inna first week!! mommer thinks that was the oven-baked one, an' she likes that idea.

the pure bit beef livver treats was fantastic, but we kin only gif it a three paws up--nitro wouldn't eat it. we dunno what is wrong wif him, because even xing, who doesn't usually eat treats, gobbled 'em up. mommer likes the idea of freeze-dried so it's not messy.

for the king kamehameha foods canned sampler: four paws up!!! we all of us adored the fishy goodness in efurry can (an' we fink there was a chicken one?), an' polished our dishes clean. me (nitro) an' ed both eat doctor foods, but mommer gave us goodish tastes efurry time. the only thing was, xing yakked up the mackerel flavor each time she had it. she liked it an' hoovered it up wif no hesitation, but later on was visited by the ghost of mackerel past. eh! she's a long-fur an' barfs a lot ennyway.

amongst the merrick gourmet foods canned sampler, efurry flavor was toothsome, an' we treated it as such. we LOVED the gravies, an' especially grammy's pot pie. there was just somethin' about that one--even daddy thought it smelled tasty (but we din't share). again, four paws up! nocat had any complaints about ennything, an' mommer liked the fact that most of them din't smell terrible strong to her puny nose.

daddy suggested that maybe "gormay" is wasted on us ozarks cats. hah! bast knows, if we eat mouses, mayflies, lizzerds, an' crickets in addition to human and grocery store & v-e-t foods, we obviously haf educated palates. we know what's good, an' by cod, alla the foods an' treats we got frum mr chewy is GOOD!

mr chewy carries 80 different brands of nutritious, pet-health-conscious foods, so there'll be somethin' there to make even the pickiest cat (or dawg) happy in a healthy was. an' if you're lookin' to avoid those last-minute trips to the store by yer staff when yer stummick's yowlin' fer food, they can even develop a delivery schedule tailored to meet your needs--so when you wants the food, it's already there!!

frenzy!!

here is a small portion of feeding time at the pierce zoo. if we kin keep frum tramplin' the videoist, we will try to post anofur portion at a later date. she's a little wary of nitro now ...

we has a guest today ...

last week, mommer took care of our buddies getzger, tubby, blue kitty, an' sprinky while miss ginger an' mr gary went walkabout. after she scooped their litter, she went to the sink to wash her hands an' was almost knocked ofur by an abyssinian inna extreme hurry. she had furgot that getzger loves to drink frum the faucet, so she let him slurp!

easy like ...

well, we don't call nitro "captain obvious" fer nuthin';-)

do i?

mommer tells me i look like somebean called jack benny.

i'm not sure that's a compliment.

olifs!!!

i doesn't know what is about olifs, but i sure loves 'em. they make me feel all googly-eyed an' catnippy inside. this is a green olif an' mommer kep' the red part all to herself, but it was still good--almost as good as the black olif i had a few weeks ago. olifs ... mmmmmm!

i'se werried ...

i dunno whut to do. mommer's discovered pinterest, an' we is perishin' fur lack of caterest!!!

 

she has promist to post tomorrow. we'll see how that werks out.

a-one, a-two-, a stretch!!

our uncle stephen gotted this"mouse pad" (??? ain't no mousies onnit, an' it don't smell nuthin' like mouses) fur mommer!! mommer tried somma the poses, but now she's moanin' an' rummagin' around inna box where the hurt-meddysins are. we dunno--looks easy to us! *shrug*

sure, i'll come down ...

just as soon as you put the rug sucking monster
back in its cave!!!!

thankful thursday

ahhhhhh, head skritchies!!

i am thankful mommer hafs nice long fingernails!!

sleepin' wif the enemy

who would belief that this mornin', these two were swearin' an' tusslin' an' threatenin' to rip each ofur's hearts out an' eat 'em wifout enny beans OR red wines. they was fightin' so hard, somecat (or maybe both) was pootin' wif eggsershun, an' there's tufties of white, brown, AND orinch furs efurrywhere!! 

bird t.v. - streaming live!!!

wif a speshul guest appearance by the dbd an' a sqwerl!! mommer was enjoyin' my active viewin' (jumpin' an' chatterin') so much, she fergot to take a picture of that stuff. the pichur above is when i furst tuned in.

easy like sunday

now if daddy would only put down the flashybox, efurrything would be purrfect!

haste makes ...

WET!

mommer's tol' him an' tol' him not to rush her when she pours our haff-n-haff treats, but does he lissen?

Still Life: Catloaf with Newspaper

i am here today to tell you about my rotten boycat brofur, nitro. 

on caturday, i was sleepin' on My Mama's lap inna livin' room. just sleepin', not wigglin', not wavin' a paw, not stretchin', not nuthin' but sleepin'. edmund jumped up an' layed onner left arm like he allus does; he doesn't bofur me much ennymore except to stare a little when he first gets onna chair. then i hisses at him to remind him that I am the LadyCat, an' he jus' squints an' turns away an' gets comfertable. sometimes i even let his furs touch mine, because he isn't lookin' at me. i know i sed i was gonna talk about nitro, but i mentions ed acause he is showin' signs of Learnin' Manners. My Mama sez it's just that he's gettin' to be an oldguycat an' doesn't wanna invest his energy in fightin' ennymore, but I believe it's my Good Influence. i will sivilize these boycats if it kills them!

howefur, things climbed into the handbasket when that fathead nitro jumped up onna footpart of My Mama's recliner chair an' layed down inna loaf position. an' he stared at me. wif great big wide-open eyes. an' din't blink. so i stared back. My Mama told him he hadda behave. he stared. i stared. his big fat right paw crept up ofur the blanket fold. i growled. he stared. i stared. My Mama told him to geddown. he din't lissen; he stared. i hissed. his ears airplaned, my ears airplaned, an' then the fight was on. on My Mama's lap!!!!

i was howlin', he was growlin', My Mama was shriekin'. we were grapplin' an' hissin', rollin' an' kickin'!! My Daddy got up outta his chair an' started to come ofur wif his hands extended, but My Mama hollered, "holy [bad werd], don't git in the middle of THAT!!" then an earthquake struck, an' nitro flew off the chair, an' i scrambled ofur to the side table, tremblin' an' hissin'. (My Daddy sed it sounded like a snake pit inna livin' room.) My Mama picked me up an' held me close an' talked nice, so i calmed down but kept hissin' at nitro acause HE. WAS. STILL. STARIN'. from his perch behind the other chair. so My Daddy lobbed a boot at him, an' he finally ran into the kitchen. (nitro, not My Daddy.)

finally, My Daddy opened the door to my suite of rooms an' i ran as quick as i could to the safety of my heated, hooded catcup, an' i din't come out again all day. i'm sorry i punctured My Mama a very little as i took off for the floor, but she nefur clips my hind claws so it's really her fault. anyway, i'm sorry.

so now you see what i hafta put up wif. i don't wanna fight wif the boys, i just want them to leave me alone in sole possession of My Mama's lap sometimes. is that so much to ask??

thank you, oui oui!!

we haf gotten an awardie from our furriend oui oui at twinkletoetails. we're all like, awwwww, shucks an' gee whiz, acause we don't hardly feel werthy, but we're proud to know we're appreciated!

THANK YOU, OUI OUI!!!


now we's s'posed ta award three ofur recipients, but mommer hasta leaf werk now, an' that's the only place she can post from--so bast willin', we'll do that tomorrow!

ed reaches the end of his patience

MOMMER!!! TURN OFF THE FLASHY BOX!!!!

could it be love?

ed? sleepin' on xing's butt?? an' she's sleepin', too???

you GOTTA be kiddin'. 

nope. 

xing's just desprit enuf to wanna be on mom's lap that as long as mom's holdin' her tight, she'll let ed touch her--as long as he's not LOOKIN' at her. ONLY ed; not iggy or nitro.

maybe it IS love, of a twisted sort.

a valentine's day miracle?

been fightin' with ed, eh?

ed? nah.

nitro, maybe, but not ed.
not this time.

bwahahahahaha!

rub-a-dub-dub 3 mencats inna tub ...

er ... chair--an' it looks like ed's abandoning ship!!

peeyes: mommer managed to keep her coffee inner cup this mornin'. too bad fur us!

i am a happy boy!

nitro sez:  not only did i get to clean the skillet, but i got ALL the coffee i wanted this morning. mommer spilled her whole cup, so me an' iggy an' ed went CRAZY all ofur the table while the dbd cleaned the floor. by the time we quit hearin' werds frum the bad werd list an' she got back wif an ol' towel, we had most of it cleaned up. can't say we're not helpers!!

also, we haf a new woofie furriend named mr chewy. he is sendin' us a buncha treats an' foods, an' we'll let you know how we likes 'em in the comin' weeks!!

TRIPLE SCORE!!!

thank you, miss jan!!

one of our goodest, most long-time furriend here onna CB (*ta-da*), the talented miss jan of jan's funny farm is our hero of the year! she made us this nice new format fur our bloggie an' we likes it furry much!!

three meows an' a woof (meow, meow, meow, WOOF!) fur her!

igmu: HEY!! howcome I din't get to meow???
ed: well, what's stoppin' ya?
igmu: well, you said "three".
ed: an' that stopped you why?
igmu: you holler at me when i don't pay attention, so i attentioned, an' now yer giffin' me a hard time about it. wassamattayu?
ed: so meow already!!
igmu:  MEOW, miss jan!!!


ed: thank you, foghorn leghorn.
igmu: what?? no, "thank you, miss jan!"
ed: i give up. thanks, miss jan.

wif or wifout?

My Mama was brushin' my beautyful furs so they shined pretty, an' then she started playin' beauty parlor. she styled me wifout my lovely, fluffy neck mane and then wif it. which one do you like best?

naptime

WHAAATTTTT??????

don't werry--no cat was harmed in the aftermath of this pose (ed sleeping on xing's tail).

(which cannot be said about mommer.)

i hear you thinkin', edmund!

therefore, i give you the back of disrespect!

goshdangdiddlydarnconfounded . . .

well, you gets the idea. autopost, didn't. an' mommer couldn't fix it frum her android at home. so here you haf it; a meower christmas (below).

merry catsmas--frum our howse to yers!

(igmu: why does I allus hafta be the bad guy--first "igor" on meyowlloween, an' now a MOUSE!?!? these dratted red contact lenses hurt!!)

(nitro: the trooth hurts, don't it, "bad guy"??! *hahahaha*)

(ed: well, y'know, black cats haf been associated wif the ebil basement cat fur a long time. but at least yer the mouse KING.)

(igmu:  i AIN"T a mouse! an' i ain't ebil--i'se just high-spirited!)

(nitro: you better not be; you KNOW what i does to mouses!!)

(ed: "high-spirited", yeah, that's a good one. YOU'RE why we don't haf a catsmas tree!!)

(xing:  HEY, you rotten boycats!!! it's CATSMAS, fur ceilin' cat's sake!!! can't you be nice to each ofur ONCE inna while??? [aside: do you wonder that i lif by myself in my own suite? honestly.])

Anyway, Meowy Catsmas, y'all!!

wait! wait! me, too!!!

(*sigh* oh, all right ... )

what? WHAT?  mommer said a nutcracker costume ... she din't specify what costume!

worse yet!!!!

a NEW meniss is come upon us!! beware!!

it has happened here in the armpit of missouri--be vigilant! look around carefully as you as you do your patrols!! maybe they're in YOUR city, too!

we fink it must be because there were so many vishus deers in our fair city last year, the powerful beans sed it was ok to hunt them (hunt the deers, not the powerful beans; although mommer says there are a few bea-- *ow* mommer! whydja swat me????  You don't have to repeat everything you hear, buster.) 


ennyhow, as i was sayin' befur i was so rudely innerupted, we thought there would be lotsa ex-deers around here after that pronouncement. you know--that they'd passed on! they were no more! they had ceased to be! they'd expired and gone to meet their maker! they'd be stiffs! bereft of life, resting  in peace (dona eis requiem)! their metabolic processes would be history! they'd kicked the bucket, shuffled off their mortal coils, rung down the curtain, and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! you know--ex-deers!!

but NO!! they are so vishus, so tenashus, so heinously determined to annialate the cat population that they even come. back. from. the. other. side!

kitties, keep yer VDR handy ... we allus knew they would come fur us one day, but at this season of peace an' joy? well, what else could you expect from

GHOST DEERS!!! 

VISHUS DEERS!!! OH, NOES!!!

we posted our cautionary PG-13 catsmas carol yesterday, an' what to our wondering eyeballs appeared in our mornin' noospaper? THIS:  The City of Springfield has been Infiltrated by Vishus Deer!!!

 oh, dear bast!! here they are in our city hall, schmoozin' the human beans!

the he-deer keeps em' off guard wif his ragtime tunes, and then ... 

 you kin bet yer last toenail that the fancy-schmancy she-deer is checkin' out these kids for kitty-hairs!! then when no one is lookin', the VDs will foller 'em home and *GULP*!! 

pretty snazzy fur a cat-eatin' meniss, no? we kin see how beans get fooled.

now we hasta write annover song:

oh, unholy night!!!!

PG-13 Catsmas Carol

we wrote this a few years ago, but fink we could post it again for efurrycat who's wondering how to cope wif the vishus deers that for some reason sandy paws finks are necessary to pull his sled. be sure young kits don't see it unless you approves it, acause the furst part could scare them. for those of you cats who are a little new to the CB, vishus deers were furst identified by skeezix, who works at Mousebreath now wif his food lady. here is a little description.
________________________________________________________________


Up onna housetop, the reindeers pause,
Scratchin’ an’ scrabblin’ wif vishus claws,
Hunting the tender yung joosy cats,
Red-eyed an' wearin' their santa hats.

CHORUS: Oh, no, no! We wouldn't go,
    Oh, no, no! Not wif reindeers, no!
    Up onna housetop oh so slick,
    We ain't gonna fall for no reindeer trick!

Out hops the fat man and down he goes,
Laden wif gifts an’ treats an’ bows,
But the reindeers are plotting something mean:
They’ve got visions of cats dressed as cuisine!

They leap for the chimbly and try to dive
Down to the front room where kitties hide,
Snortin’ an’ stampin’ ‘cause they won’t fit--
Antlers too big--so they hafta quit.

Jumpin’ off the roof, they land on their toes
An’ they tippy-tippy-tippy to a window that glows
Wif the light of the catsmas tree so gay
An’ a glimpse of some sweet li’l cats at play.

Now they tippy-tippy-tippy to the tinseled door
An’ let themselves in, tippy-tippy some more,
Sneakin’ down the hall—just a little clatter—
But the sharp-eared kitties begin to scatter!

Now Santa has flown up the chimbly tall--
He sees no sleigh an’ is just appalled.
The reindeer advance on the kitties small . . .
Oh, noes! It could be the end of ‘em all!

But these cats are smart an' they’re all prepared
(If the deers had known, they'da nefur dared).
Behind all the chairs an’ the sofa wide
The cats just bide their time and hide.

The reindeer come snoopin’ to see what’s what,
An’ the kitties let loose wif some powerful stuff!
The deers make a beeline right out the door--
Soaked with Mao & Rocky’s VDR!

The reindeers fly off wif no backward look
An’ the fat man his mittened fist he shook.
He slides off the roof and looks mighty glum
Then walks to the street an’ sticks out his thumb.

The kitties cry out, “Oh Santa, noes!
“C’mon back in an’ thaw your toes.
“We’ll share our temptations an’ milk wif you,
“We’re good little kitties, you know that’s true.”

So the fat man sits down an’ enjoys a treat
An’ skritches each kitty tumblin’ ofur his feet.
He is warm and so happy he got to stay,
But now it is time to be on his way.

He calls Mrs. Claus for the backup sleigh
(Not pulled by deers but by horsies grey).
As he mounts to the sky, all the kitties hear,
“Happy Catsmas to All—and no deer next year!!!"

anovver catsmas carol ...

 if you wantsta add to yer repertoyer, here's one fer ya:

anovver catsmas carol ...

 if you wantsta add to yer repertoyer, here's one fer ya:

a catsmas carol frum our house to yers!!!

(sung to the tune of "Here We Come A-Wassailing" -- (if ya don't know the "wassailin'" tune, you kin go here an' press the "song title" button wif the sideways triangle onnit. we is sorry it is so small; hope you kin biggify it on yer screen.)

werdless wednesday

i was thirsty--so what?!?

mommer won't drink from any cup or glass left unattended for a while. we can't figger that out--we drink HER germs alla time wif no icky effects. why duz she think OUR germs will kill her???

sleepy sunday

it was a dark an' stormy day ... well, ok, not stormy. but dark; cloudy dark. we all took advantage of it to catch up (!) on our sleeps. rackety-coon was a furry popular nap buddy.

is nitro weird?

black olives. he LOVES black olives. he was layin' on mommer's lap when she opened a little plastic bowl wif black olives left ofur from turkeyday.

he. went. nutz.

he reached up an' grabbed her wrist an' tried to pull it down to his mouf. he stood up wif his front feets on her chest an' tried to stick his face in her mouf. he grabbed fur the bowl. she finely giffed him a little piece that she had sucked alla the salt outta, an' he scarfed it as if it were gooshy food!

he went back to holding her wrist an' inspectin' her (oliveless) fingers. she picked up anofur olive an' he lunged fur it an' batted it outta her hand. (result: nitro - 0, dbd - 1)

mommer ate anofur one, an' gave him anofur li'l tidbit, an' he almost headbonked it outta her hand. when it fell on her shirt, he almost put the bitey on her through the cloth while he snarfed it up. then he loved on her an' rolled in her lap, still grasping fur her hands. it was like he was nipped out!!!

ennycat efur see (or do) this befur??

mommer needs help!

you sees the pretty stars an' snowflakes inna background? well, she maked that follerin' some destructions onna web about making backgrounds specifically fur blogger, but now it don't fit our bloggie an' she wants to make the green background blue anna type white (maybe). kin ennycat or bean bail her extensive @$$ out? we would like to haff our bloggie all holiday-ish!! (an' sometime befur the holidays;-) fanks in advance!!

mommer was S'POSED to haf this ready fur werdless wednesday, but she couldn't figger out how to post an animated gif to blogger. now she's got it an' din't wanna wait til next wednesday. she's furry proud of herself that she learnt how to make a ani-gif; it took her less time to learn the construction of it than it did to learn how to post it. she's a little slow--but i'm proud she chose me as her furst subject, an' that she made me so sexy!!

ok, now read the second line from the top ...

ed is practicing to become an optometrists' helper.

the magician refused!!!

see? it sez so, RIGHT HERE!
dumb boycats. nefur believe a word i say.

vertical cat totem pole

we kep' mommer all warm an' cozy on sunday--

iggy kep' her feets warm,

nitro kep' her lap warm, an'

ed kep' her belleh warm.

(thanks, guys--even thought it WAS 72 degrees out.

i know you meant well ... .)

werdless wednesday

curiouser an' curiouser

anofur edition of "strange bedfellows"--only this time, we ARE all fellows!

(last year, the older boys didn't cuddle with iggy. this year, evidently

they don't mind. he's always the last one on the pile, but they don't shoo him away.)

happy meowloween!

'nuther box

dad went to chicago, an' he brought back THIS box fur me. it's MUCH nicer than the previous one! i kin really stretch out innit, an' there's plenty of room to roll around!

mommer's little helper

i haf been furry valuable to mommer this week--TWICE, already!

(1)  i gotted the furst mousie of the season an' displayed it prominently

inna liffin-room floor so she could see it first thing. 

she was suitably impressed, although more with the prominent display

(so she din't step onnit) than the actual deed. (at least, i fink that's what

EWWWWWWfercrissakes! means.)

(2) i helped her sort out auntie rose's hankie collection, a really big job.

she started sortin' by folded size, then tried sortin' by subjeck matter, 

then by edgin', an' finely jus' plain giffed up.
s'awright wif me; they's comfy no matter WHAT order they's in!

Mommer speaks:  Nitro, I see you're not mentioning the incident where you reached up to whap XingXing while she was sitting on my lap, and you miscalculated, stabbing my hand bad enough that daddy had to bring me ice to kill the pain and keep the swelling down, and where there is now a large bruise.

(3) i was jus doin' my job keepin' her onner toezies. i'm sorry yer hand

gotted inna way, mommer. but really, she needed whappin'.  besides,
ain't you allus tellin' us we needs good "puncturation"?
that WAS a good 'un!

whisker wednesday

i isn't mancatly at all, but My Mama sez i haf furry nice whisker humps AND whiskers,

 so i thought i would show them off today!

toezie tuesday

mommer sez there's snowshoe bunnies in my genes.
i dunno what she's talkin' about. 

i don't even WEAR 'em, much less SHARE 'em!!

mancat monday

ed is mommer's cuddle-mancat.

(but great bast, how he snores!!!)