furrsday furrteen

things our mom does to drive us crazy:

1. sheds her long, curly head furs all ofurr our soft, catfur-padded resting places. it tangles our lovely short fluff into wads that roll efurrywhere, an' then she yells at US for shedding when she sees 'em.
   
2. makes "fffft fffft fffft" sounds to scare us into thinking the squirt bottle is nearby (an' it works--that's the embarrassing part).
   
3. holds our heads in wrasslin' grips an' picks eye-boogers outta our eyes. if we wanted 'em gone, we'd wipe 'em ourselfs. we has paws, after all.
   
4. feeds the woofies first, when it's obviously US who are just skin and bones.
5. laughs at us when we make fox paws when we jumps--at least she thinks they are fox paws. we MEANT to do that.
6. won't share even the least little bit of her peanut butter sammich at her breakfast time during the workdays, although we are pitifully thin and weak, since it's been two naps since dad fed us.
   
7. remembers efurry little thing we do wrong ("dammit, cat, is yer face in those cheetos again? git outta there!"), and nefurr even mentions all the times we could have eaten the cheetos but didn't. mostly because they keep them in the cupboard, but still . . .
8. makes us share her lap. absolutely unacceptable. I'M the king of the lap *no, I AM* *whatyoutalkingabout? I AM!* *you boys are just silly. efurrybody knows I am the QUEEN of laps!* (. . . long, noisy, acrimonious discussion ensues . . . issue is tabled due to heavy schpritzing by mom.)
   
9. says that every man jack of us is going to the pound if she finds one more unauthorized pee spot. well, she won't authorize any of the ones we want! what are we supposed to do in the face of uncooperativeness like that? right; so we do it.
   
10. turns a blind eye and a deaf ear to our pleas for snacks when she's home at lunchtime. that leaves one eye that sees and one ear that hears, and she STILL doesn't unnerstand, an' won't make wif the treats!
11. goes back to sleep on weekends after getting up to feed us so dad can get a little extra sleep--doesn't she realize that there are post-prandial obligations, like petting and skritching and refilling of water bowls and dangling of toys? dad has not taught her furry well.
    
12. keeps on nipping our claws off just when they get to that perfect razor-sharpness. so what if they snag her clothes? we could be shredding her skin with them, but no; she doesn't think of that.
    
13. thinks that newspapers are something she should be "reading", when they are clearly meant for lolling on by cats. sometimes she even spreads them ofurr us! we puts the bitey on 'em until she gets the message!