splinters an' splatters

lemme tell ya, if ya wanna wake up yer beans wif a bang, just push a jar of spaghetti sauce off the table onto the quarry tile floor inna middle of the night! it scared th’ lights an’ liver outta me, as well as a lotta hairs an’ about one anna half lives! dad watches war stories onna talkin’ picture box alla time, an’ this sounded just like somma them big bombs.

all i wanted was somma them tasty salsa-an-cream cheese flavored crackers inna box mom left onna table. i fooled her, ‘cause i left ‘em there unbothered for two whole days, so she wouldn’t fink i wanted them! then the beans went to bed, an’ i waited a long, long time before i started wrasslin’ that box. it was tougher than i ‘spected, an’ i hadda get rough wif it, bunny-kickin’ it an’ all. i was just about to get the inside skin open an’ scoop out a pawful, when a bunny-kick backlash got the jar, an’ ofur the side it went! KER-WHAM!!!

i was inna livin’ room under the recliner before i knew what was happenin’! then dad anna dambrowndog came outta the bedroom, an’ i got a quick, comprehensive refresher course in the bad werd list, but din’t learn any new ones this time. i think he was still too sleepy to make any up. acourse, dbd wanted to lick the sauce, an’ it was fulla glass pieces, so dad used up about half the list gettin’ her away from the sauce, an’ then the other half cleanin’ it up. he mopped an’ ran the rug sucker onna tiles, an’ then mopped again. he was not happy. i laid low, an’ din’t even come out fur breakfast!

it was all mom’s fault fur leafin’ them crackers out there to taunt me, an’ ya know what? she nefur woke up all through the whole thing! that chapped dad’s cheeks, too;-)