meowers from missouri

meYARRR, me hearties! we welcomes ye t'th'annual Meow Like A Pirate day aboard the good ship cat o' nine tails. those of ye--cats, woofies, birdies, buns, an' all other manner o'th' Lord's creechurs--who wish to sail wif us are welcome.  

belowdecks ye will find cabins an' all manner of conveniences, treats, an' toys to suit each an' all. we reckermends that if ye be not familiar-like wif the pirate life, ye be readin' a bit o' last year's sea log (here) t'become cognizant o' some o' th' whys an' wherefores an' whats that applies when at sea. all who'll sail aboard the cat will sign The Articles an' be sworn as crew.


i be captain meow fang ... an' i says we pauses here an' now to remember those good piratecats an' true what sailed wif us last year, an' who haf now sailed away ofur the rainbow bridge. aye, an' we lends a thought t'them what be too infirm o'body t'accompany us this day. we names 'em all in our hearts an' purrrays t'meet again wif 'em inna nacheral order o'things. we specially marks th'passin' o'brave Poppy Vic, what losted his long, tirin' battle wif th'evil crab. he be surely dancin' wif th'angels an' not davy jones--for he were a true gentlemanbean, an' no pirate--he were right fond o'cats. ::silence but for seabirds' cries and the sound of the waves::

::after an appropriate pause, voices rise again and many visitors go below to learn about life at sea. time passes. they return. meow fang announces the purpose at hand::

now let us begin our voyage! we sails this year to the far-off an' strange island o' maddygaskar! there we seeks not gold nor siller, but that rarest an' truest o'treasures, knowledge. i hears maddygaskar be a fair odd place, an' i would see it befur i goes t'davy jones. when hoomin beans furst come upon it, there were no cats to greet them! not large, not small, not in-between. no cats a-tall. nor woofies, neither.

those of ye what hath yer own craft, our ship's boats will see ye safe aboard them, an' then will all rondevoo in deep water out past yonder point.  

these here beauties be me trusty crew:

furst mate nitro the nasty;

mistress-at-paws, xing the slice;

an' gunner's mate, igmu clever-paws,
who be our former cabinkit, lookout, an' signalman.

we haf heard it said that we brethren o'th' sea embrace not the new things in life but liff inna past. we now seeks t'expunge that vile caluminy by introducin' our cabin-bot. in these days o'straitened purse-strings, we find his stalwart refusal o'both victuals an' grog t'be downright appealin'. (nor do he whine about litter scoopin'!)

now, this be a workin' sailin' ship, an' not no fancy croose, so there be reg'lar hours inna mess (that be th' dinin' saloon t'ye lubbers), an' there'll be no yowlin' beforetimes fer an early feedin'. that foolishness may work on hooman beans, but by triton's horn, we be kitties, an' we knows what ye're up to! howsome'er difficult that may be for some o'ye, there be victuals worth th'waitin' for within:

o'course, there be plenty o'plain, honest toona joos, as the late cap'n nels bid there must allus be aboard the cat. 

also, though this be no croose, the younger set haf noised it about that we should be more liberal in th'matter of adultcat beverages, so there be all manner o' niptinis, meowgaritas, fish house punch, pina catladas, catsmopolitans, mancattans, kamikatzies, moscow moggies, an' so forth:

be sure ye do not benumb yer tongues wif spirituous liquors, lest ye miss out on the luscious food:

there be a vat o' cream, an' bacon an' french toast;

a variety o'fishes' meat; an' fishes' eggs in cream on chewy pastry;  

smoked fishes' meat; an' real live fresh dead shrimp!

a bounty o' fruits for them as wants 'em--purrhaps our NOMS furriends who accompany us;

all manner o'cheeses, an' rare roast beast:

an' at the furry speshul request o'th' Meezers, last but not least, there be french-toast-an'-bacon-stuffed HAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! 

::xing passes by, licking her lips, and whispers in the captain's ear. he speaks::  ladypiratecats an' gentlepiratecats an' furriends of all sorts, i be most sorry to announce that we be haffin' no pig races ashore this year, as we haf allus had befur. it seems that the contestants haf, errrr, vanished. we regrets any disappointment this may cause amongst ye what likes a furriendly wager now an' again. we will haf a better larder security staff next year! ::he glares after the departing xing. the sound of a ladylike belch, then a giggle, is heard from the direction of the gangway::

insted, should we be smiled upon by brizo an' sent a right smart wind, we shall be treated t'th'spectacle o'th'waterskiin' westies, who took ship wif us only yestere'en. they be fair entertain' woofies, an' no mistake! let us haf a round o'purrs fur their kind offer!!! ::purrrpurrrpurrrpurrrpurrrpurrrpurrrpurrrpurrrpurrr!!::

::balmy winds and fair seas speed the flotilla on its way, and before too many meals are eaten or too many naps are taken, the "red island" is sighted and the various craft heave to in a beautiful harbor. ships' boats busily ferry ashore passengers and crew alike::

::not far from the smooth, sandy beach, the frisky host crowds into a welcoming lodge and makes fur the milk-and-treat bar and the necessaries. when all needs are met, most reassemble outdoors with cap'n meow to explore this unusual yet welcoming place. they set out down a nearby path::

:: not far down the trail, the crowd spots a native:: meyarrrrr! mind me well, ye young kits, be not a-chasin' of the natiffs as ye go about yer rompin', as they needs no more meddlin' from anyone. because hoomin beans is fumblin' stoopids, many o'the creechurs what liff here now be so endangered as are our big cousins. ::points with his tail:: yon lass be what the hoomins found here, a long ways back, insted of us an' woofies. 'tis a anymul called a fossa, 

which, somewhat disturbin'ly, hath a cat-like body and a dog-like nose, though it be neither cat nor dog. this lass we sees be ackshully a close cousin of the mongoose (which, inserdentally, be no kin t'a goose a-tall). th'long tail helps it balance in trees high above th'ground, just as we cats use our tails to jump to high spyin'-lairs in our landbound homes. ::the company strolls on a long ways, looping around back in the direction of the lodge while investigating many rocks, trees, and plants::

::again he gestures:: yon tree be fulla lemurs, 

unusual furred persons what looks all googly-eyed like they haf dallied at th'nip pipe a wee minnit too long. though they resembles some monkeys, they are not close relatiffs! ::ambling, scrambling, and hopping as cats,  woofies, an' buns will, the day wears on and they continue to discover rare and precious life. a few exuberant kits are soundly cuffed as they run up to a small fellow by the wayside, frightening him into hiding::

an' this wee one hidin' unner a bit o'brush be a tenrec. he seems quite shrewish or hedgie-like, an' yet be no relatiff of theirs at all. ::now bein' everso careful, the smarting kits and others continue to prowl the roadside greenery, sniffing in vain for catnip or silvervine::

many things in this place be like an' yet not-like those what we know of. th'laceleaf plant grows under water, an' seems to haf more holes than leafs. th'travelers' palm be not related to any o'th'palm trees which we haff seen befur on our voyages. as we makes our way through this forest back t'th' lodgin's, it begins to seem almost nacheral that th'trees be standin' on their heads! thanks be t'th'Pow'rs that the rooms awaitin' us be not upside down, too! (nor, Bast forbid, th'conveniences!!)

::soon the lodge comes into view:: ah, mateys, just think on it. here we be in a place passin' strange, lookin' as it do summat like unto our world an' yet bein' no kin to us or that which we knows. these years past, togefur we haf sailed far an' wide an' seen much, collectin' fine booty along the way--but hear me! th'treasure we haf laid up this day be in our memories, annit be this: we what thinks we knows so much must reckernize there be yet much more t'know. an' though a creechur or a plant look different from us or ours, they still haf rights to life an' health an' happiness. ('twill be difficult to call this t'mind when gold an' siller come into question amongst us, but we will strive to remember that we be not so very different after all.)

::a sailorcat runs up panting, and skids to a halt before meow fang:: cap'n, cap'n!! there be a buncha  turisty-types down at the dock, a-beggin' of us that we giff them transport to a place called Noo Yawk. they looks kinda ... odd ... t'me. there be a couple th'like o'which i nefur seen afore. an' they be in an awful hurry--keep sayin' t'move it move it move it. that be right unmannerly, i thinks, when they be askin' favers! ::steps back a pace at the sight of the captain's face:: 

meyarrr! shut thy mackerelhole, ye iggernant git. ye should haf spent th'day inne brush wif us, 'stead o' ... ah, let it be. ::the captain ponders:: Noo Yawk, ye say? i haf not heerd o'it meself, but if it be on a chart somewheres, we shall find it. ::he squints through his spyglass towards the dock::

aye, they be a motley lookin' assortment, but they be our brethren for all that. ::aside:: (although i will be steerin' xing clear o'that plumpish one ... .)

::to the young sailorcat:: do you run back t'th'dock an' inform the new folk they be welcome aboard come first light. then go back t'lodgin's, haul the quartermastercat outta th'milk bar, an' inform him o'th'need fur additional an' varied supplies an' quarters appropriate t'th' new guests. an' then ... ::sailorcat scarpers before the words "new guests" have settled on his ears:: 

::the captain strides towards the lodge, muttering:: MEYARRRRRR! these young kits ... grumblegrumblegrumble ... i hopes i has no occasion t'say "why be th'toona joos gone" when i gets t'th'ship ... this Noo Yawk place better not be takin' too long t'find for i haf a wish t'see me own darlin' sweetheart, miss midnight, in her unruffled summer frock ... mumblemumblemumble ... 'lect nitro cap'n next year, by neptune's hairy ...