Still Life: Catloaf with Newspaper

i am here today to tell you about my rotten boycat brofur, nitro. 

on caturday, i was sleepin' on My Mama's lap inna livin' room. just sleepin', not wigglin', not wavin' a paw, not stretchin', not nuthin' but sleepin'. edmund jumped up an' layed onner left arm like he allus does; he doesn't bofur me much ennymore except to stare a little when he first gets onna chair. then i hisses at him to remind him that I am the LadyCat, an' he jus' squints an' turns away an' gets comfertable. sometimes i even let his furs touch mine, because he isn't lookin' at me. i know i sed i was gonna talk about nitro, but i mentions ed acause he is showin' signs of Learnin' Manners. My Mama sez it's just that he's gettin' to be an oldguycat an' doesn't wanna invest his energy in fightin' ennymore, but I believe it's my Good Influence. i will sivilize these boycats if it kills them!

howefur, things climbed into the handbasket when that fathead nitro jumped up onna footpart of My Mama's recliner chair an' layed down inna loaf position. an' he stared at me. wif great big wide-open eyes. an' din't blink. so i stared back. My Mama told him he hadda behave. he stared. i stared. his big fat right paw crept up ofur the blanket fold. i growled. he stared. i stared. My Mama told him to geddown. he din't lissen; he stared. i hissed. his ears airplaned, my ears airplaned, an' then the fight was on. on My Mama's lap!!!!

i was howlin', he was growlin', My Mama was shriekin'. we were grapplin' an' hissin', rollin' an' kickin'!! My Daddy got up outta his chair an' started to come ofur wif his hands extended, but My Mama hollered, "holy [bad werd], don't git in the middle of THAT!!" then an earthquake struck, an' nitro flew off the chair, an' i scrambled ofur to the side table, tremblin' an' hissin'. (My Daddy sed it sounded like a snake pit inna livin' room.) My Mama picked me up an' held me close an' talked nice, so i calmed down but kept hissin' at nitro acause HE. WAS. STILL. STARIN'. from his perch behind the other chair. so My Daddy lobbed a boot at him, an' he finally ran into the kitchen. (nitro, not My Daddy.)

finally, My Daddy opened the door to my suite of rooms an' i ran as quick as i could to the safety of my heated, hooded catcup, an' i din't come out again all day. i'm sorry i punctured My Mama a very little as i took off for the floor, but she nefur clips my hind claws so it's really her fault. anyway, i'm sorry.

so now you see what i hafta put up wif. i don't wanna fight wif the boys, i just want them to leave me alone in sole possession of My Mama's lap sometimes. is that so much to ask??

thank you, oui oui!!

we haf gotten an awardie from our furriend oui oui at twinkletoetails. we're all like, awwwww, shucks an' gee whiz, acause we don't hardly feel werthy, but we're proud to know we're appreciated!

THANK YOU, OUI OUI!!!


now we's s'posed ta award three ofur recipients, but mommer hasta leaf werk now, an' that's the only place she can post from--so bast willin', we'll do that tomorrow!

ed reaches the end of his patience

MOMMER!!! TURN OFF THE FLASHY BOX!!!!

could it be love?

ed? sleepin' on xing's butt?? an' she's sleepin', too???

you GOTTA be kiddin'. 

nope. 

xing's just desprit enuf to wanna be on mom's lap that as long as mom's holdin' her tight, she'll let ed touch her--as long as he's not LOOKIN' at her. ONLY ed; not iggy or nitro.

maybe it IS love, of a twisted sort.

a valentine's day miracle?

been fightin' with ed, eh?

ed? nah.

nitro, maybe, but not ed.
not this time.

bwahahahahaha!

rub-a-dub-dub 3 mencats inna tub ...

er ... chair--an' it looks like ed's abandoning ship!!

peeyes: mommer managed to keep her coffee inner cup this mornin'. too bad fur us!

i am a happy boy!

nitro sez:  not only did i get to clean the skillet, but i got ALL the coffee i wanted this morning. mommer spilled her whole cup, so me an' iggy an' ed went CRAZY all ofur the table while the dbd cleaned the floor. by the time we quit hearin' werds frum the bad werd list an' she got back wif an ol' towel, we had most of it cleaned up. can't say we're not helpers!!

also, we haf a new woofie furriend named mr chewy. he is sendin' us a buncha treats an' foods, an' we'll let you know how we likes 'em in the comin' weeks!!

TRIPLE SCORE!!!

thank you, miss jan!!

one of our goodest, most long-time furriend here onna CB (*ta-da*), the talented miss jan of jan's funny farm is our hero of the year! she made us this nice new format fur our bloggie an' we likes it furry much!!

three meows an' a woof (meow, meow, meow, WOOF!) fur her!

igmu: HEY!! howcome I din't get to meow???
ed: well, what's stoppin' ya?
igmu: well, you said "three".
ed: an' that stopped you why?
igmu: you holler at me when i don't pay attention, so i attentioned, an' now yer giffin' me a hard time about it. wassamattayu?
ed: so meow already!!
igmu:  MEOW, miss jan!!!


ed: thank you, foghorn leghorn.
igmu: what?? no, "thank you, miss jan!"
ed: i give up. thanks, miss jan.

wif or wifout?

My Mama was brushin' my beautyful furs so they shined pretty, an' then she started playin' beauty parlor. she styled me wifout my lovely, fluffy neck mane and then wif it. which one do you like best?

naptime

WHAAATTTTT??????

don't werry--no cat was harmed in the aftermath of this pose (ed sleeping on xing's tail).

(which cannot be said about mommer.)

i hear you thinkin', edmund!

therefore, i give you the back of disrespect!

goshdangdiddlydarnconfounded . . .

well, you gets the idea. autopost, didn't. an' mommer couldn't fix it frum her android at home. so here you haf it; a meower christmas (below).

merry catsmas--frum our howse to yers!

(igmu: why does I allus hafta be the bad guy--first "igor" on meyowlloween, an' now a MOUSE!?!? these dratted red contact lenses hurt!!)

(nitro: the trooth hurts, don't it, "bad guy"??! *hahahaha*)

(ed: well, y'know, black cats haf been associated wif the ebil basement cat fur a long time. but at least yer the mouse KING.)

(igmu:  i AIN"T a mouse! an' i ain't ebil--i'se just high-spirited!)

(nitro: you better not be; you KNOW what i does to mouses!!)

(ed: "high-spirited", yeah, that's a good one. YOU'RE why we don't haf a catsmas tree!!)

(xing:  HEY, you rotten boycats!!! it's CATSMAS, fur ceilin' cat's sake!!! can't you be nice to each ofur ONCE inna while??? [aside: do you wonder that i lif by myself in my own suite? honestly.])

Anyway, Meowy Catsmas, y'all!!

wait! wait! me, too!!!

(*sigh* oh, all right ... )

what? WHAT?  mommer said a nutcracker costume ... she din't specify what costume!

worse yet!!!!

a NEW meniss is come upon us!! beware!!

it has happened here in the armpit of missouri--be vigilant! look around carefully as you as you do your patrols!! maybe they're in YOUR city, too!

we fink it must be because there were so many vishus deers in our fair city last year, the powerful beans sed it was ok to hunt them (hunt the deers, not the powerful beans; although mommer says there are a few bea-- *ow* mommer! whydja swat me????  You don't have to repeat everything you hear, buster.) 


ennyhow, as i was sayin' befur i was so rudely innerupted, we thought there would be lotsa ex-deers around here after that pronouncement. you know--that they'd passed on! they were no more! they had ceased to be! they'd expired and gone to meet their maker! they'd be stiffs! bereft of life, resting  in peace (dona eis requiem)! their metabolic processes would be history! they'd kicked the bucket, shuffled off their mortal coils, rung down the curtain, and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! you know--ex-deers!!

but NO!! they are so vishus, so tenashus, so heinously determined to annialate the cat population that they even come. back. from. the. other. side!

kitties, keep yer VDR handy ... we allus knew they would come fur us one day, but at this season of peace an' joy? well, what else could you expect from

GHOST DEERS!!! 

VISHUS DEERS!!! OH, NOES!!!

we posted our cautionary PG-13 catsmas carol yesterday, an' what to our wondering eyeballs appeared in our mornin' noospaper? THIS:  The City of Springfield has been Infiltrated by Vishus Deer!!!

 oh, dear bast!! here they are in our city hall, schmoozin' the human beans!

the he-deer keeps em' off guard wif his ragtime tunes, and then ... 

 you kin bet yer last toenail that the fancy-schmancy she-deer is checkin' out these kids for kitty-hairs!! then when no one is lookin', the VDs will foller 'em home and *GULP*!! 

pretty snazzy fur a cat-eatin' meniss, no? we kin see how beans get fooled.

now we hasta write annover song:

oh, unholy night!!!!

PG-13 Catsmas Carol

we wrote this a few years ago, but fink we could post it again for efurrycat who's wondering how to cope wif the vishus deers that for some reason sandy paws finks are necessary to pull his sled. be sure young kits don't see it unless you approves it, acause the furst part could scare them. for those of you cats who are a little new to the CB, vishus deers were furst identified by skeezix, who works at Mousebreath now wif his food lady. here is a little description.
________________________________________________________________


Up onna housetop, the reindeers pause,
Scratchin’ an’ scrabblin’ wif vishus claws,
Hunting the tender yung joosy cats,
Red-eyed an' wearin' their santa hats.

CHORUS: Oh, no, no! We wouldn't go,
    Oh, no, no! Not wif reindeers, no!
    Up onna housetop oh so slick,
    We ain't gonna fall for no reindeer trick!

Out hops the fat man and down he goes,
Laden wif gifts an’ treats an’ bows,
But the reindeers are plotting something mean:
They’ve got visions of cats dressed as cuisine!

They leap for the chimbly and try to dive
Down to the front room where kitties hide,
Snortin’ an’ stampin’ ‘cause they won’t fit--
Antlers too big--so they hafta quit.

Jumpin’ off the roof, they land on their toes
An’ they tippy-tippy-tippy to a window that glows
Wif the light of the catsmas tree so gay
An’ a glimpse of some sweet li’l cats at play.

Now they tippy-tippy-tippy to the tinseled door
An’ let themselves in, tippy-tippy some more,
Sneakin’ down the hall—just a little clatter—
But the sharp-eared kitties begin to scatter!

Now Santa has flown up the chimbly tall--
He sees no sleigh an’ is just appalled.
The reindeer advance on the kitties small . . .
Oh, noes! It could be the end of ‘em all!

But these cats are smart an' they’re all prepared
(If the deers had known, they'da nefur dared).
Behind all the chairs an’ the sofa wide
The cats just bide their time and hide.

The reindeer come snoopin’ to see what’s what,
An’ the kitties let loose wif some powerful stuff!
The deers make a beeline right out the door--
Soaked with Mao & Rocky’s VDR!

The reindeers fly off wif no backward look
An’ the fat man his mittened fist he shook.
He slides off the roof and looks mighty glum
Then walks to the street an’ sticks out his thumb.

The kitties cry out, “Oh Santa, noes!
“C’mon back in an’ thaw your toes.
“We’ll share our temptations an’ milk wif you,
“We’re good little kitties, you know that’s true.”

So the fat man sits down an’ enjoys a treat
An’ skritches each kitty tumblin’ ofur his feet.
He is warm and so happy he got to stay,
But now it is time to be on his way.

He calls Mrs. Claus for the backup sleigh
(Not pulled by deers but by horsies grey).
As he mounts to the sky, all the kitties hear,
“Happy Catsmas to All—and no deer next year!!!"

anovver catsmas carol ...

 if you wantsta add to yer repertoyer, here's one fer ya:

anovver catsmas carol ...

 if you wantsta add to yer repertoyer, here's one fer ya: