toezie tuesday

daddy calls zis my "raptor claw" an' allus wantsta clip it.

i don't let him. you nefur know when there will be an alien

that needs evisseratin'. or a vishus deer.

mancat monday blues ...

dangit, mommer! i keep tellin' ya not to take my picture when i'm layin' onnis sheet! how's ennyone gonna take me seriously as a basement cat minion when i'm surrounded by circus stripes??

avast!

meYARRRR, me heartycats! i, capn' mao fang, do welcome thee t'the flotilla as it forms around our bonny ship, ye cat o'nine tails!

once again, it be me honor an' me sorrow to bid ye think a moment on those kitties what sail not wif us this year. there be a powerful lot o'them, an' we purrs an' purrrays we meets wif them again when davy jonescat sails us unner the Bridge when our times come, as sure they will. doff thy headgear, if ye please.

 ******

now, if ye will, step aboard an' acquaint yerselfs wif the mess hall ('tis fur nommin', mind ye, not "messin'", which takes place onnee orlop deck--which be not the poop deck, either), an' choose thy berth if ye sails wif us. if ye visits only an' hath thy own good ship or a berth wif a furriend, pray help thyself to victuals an' stay t'chat an' sing so long as thee will. later, we shall up anchor an' take ourselfs away t' the south, the beautyous land o' rio!




an' now, me furriends, let us feast an' drink in memory o'our companions! (leads the way down the ladder. ooooohs and ahhhhhs are heard from all.) 





may ye find yer heart's desire in food an' drink--there be more in rooms beyond, so foller thy noses!

 efurry nom fur an obligate carnivore be here, an' all manner o'spiritous consumables from high-falutin' brella drinks t' honest toona joos. make merry, an' deddycate a moufful an' a swig or two to the mem'ry o'thy furriends!

(soon all sounds give way to slurpchompgobble *erp* gimme! smacksmacksmack slobbernomnomnommitynomnom slurppity *burp* 'scuse laplaplapswigslurp ... well, you get the picture.)

at last, a few drift upward to the main deck, and depart to their own ships. soon after, the clanking sound of the anchor being hauled up from the sea bottom is evident, and those not comatose er, preoccupied with postprandial naps under the tables find comfy beds in cabins.

a group of younger ship's company of cats roll singin' from th' companionway. their giggles an' laffs obscure the song, but it is finally understood as::

 "a capital ship fur an ocean trip was the wallopin' window blind.
no breeze that blew dismayed her crew or troubled the cap'n's mind ..."

STOW IT! STOW IT, Y'HEAR????? that be not our sailin' song! where be ye gettin' that nonsense?

(young kitt:) igmu were heard hummin' it, yer worshipfulness. he teached the kits belowdecks when ye wast not aboard, sirrr.

(mao fang:) oh, aye? then i will deal wif him later. d'any of ye know the ackshul tune we squall er, sing as we make way? anycat? anycat?


nitro? xing?
ken ye not the best shanty efur t'grace the seas?

ah, blast it t'bast! what ignoramuses we must deal wif these days. why, in cap'n nels's day ...

(mellowing):: be there anycat 'mongst you as can gif us th'tune "common sailorcats"?

a new crewcat steps forth an' draws her bow across a fiddle. "i belief i know th'air, cap'n. wouldst gif me the sayso?"

aye, wif a right good will, lass. at thy pleasure! (fiddlin' begins, an' mao fang gifs us a rare treat [all the more rare in that it be at one bell o'th' forenoon watch 'nsted of eight bells o'th'middle watch]:)

I'm the cat before the mast

That ploughs the ragin' sea

And on this simple subject

Will you please enlighten me?

Common sailorcats we're called

Come tell me the reason why

And on this simple subject I'll reply:

Don't you call us common sailorcats no more

Don't you call us common sailorcats no more

Good things to you we bring

Don't you call us common cats no more

We're as good as anycat that's on shore.

The young girlcats o'this country

(Their growin' days we bless)

We brings them silks an' satins

Out of which they makes a dress

To gain th'heart of some young cat

As fancy dresses do

Don't nefur despise the sailorcats

That sails the ocean blue.

The young mancats o'this country

They're sittin' at their ease

Not thinkin' on the stormy nights

That we spends on the seas

We brings the leafs to make nipcigars

T'decorated their face

They wouldn't call us common 

If they were in our place!

When speakin' of a cat ashore

We nefur hear you say,

He's a common this or a common that

Be his callin' what it may

Be he a travelin' tinker

Or a scavenger or a sweep--

Then why call us common sailorcats

Who battles wif the deep!

paws patter enthusiastically from all around, even from other ships, as mao feng's voice does carry somewhat.  then he speaks:

bretheren an' sisteren, we be nearin' our port o'call! ship's boats will take ye t'th'beach (do thou remember th' comfort stations be BEHIND th' bushes.)





here ye see th'reason th'comfort stations be BEHIND the bushes: t'would be unkind to our gentle hostbeans t'do otherwise.











we haf arranged fur some charmin' transportation from th'beach t'th' harbor area. th'chariots be a wee bit bouncy (an' sometimes fragrant), but 'tis not a common mode o'conveyance, an' ye'll not see the like o'it in yer home port, so climb aboard! explore t'yer heart's content--we sail not til efurry last cat hath returned t'th' ships!


these carryohkas, as the beans do style theyselfs, be fair furriendly an' fond o' kittehs in particular, goin' so far as to emulate our sleek an' elegant selves. 

howsomeefur, be thou courteous, as befits the bretheren o'th'sea. trifle not wif the fevvers ye see on th'clothin' o'th' natifs! pluckin' THESE birds would be a matter for keel-haulin'!

we haf reserved this cozy room inna Casa de Gata hotel inna harbor, should ye wish a nap onna comfy bed that rocketh not durin' the day. tell 'em cap'n mao fang sent ye, an' the buffet will be free;-)

ye kin count on a meal, a nap, an' a skritch wheresomeefur ye go. just let them not convince ye that "coconut milk" be milk. it be not. 

akk-ptoooey!




a werd o'warnin' will i giff ye:  these be not kitteh toys (although they be called "poi toys" or "cariocas" like the beans!) should ye see some lyin' unattended, be thou wary. others may be near about an' come flyin' at yer haid wifout warnin'. carryokhas exercise wif 'em, an' whilst no bean would conk ye inna haid apurpose, they whirls an' spins 'em whilst dancin', an' the ribbands be all fluttery-like, but attemptin' t'catch 'em would be temptin' th'fates. they be not fevvers onna string. if ye were not conked, ye might be stomped!

this kitteh will be glad t'meet ye at the escadaria selaron (selaron's staircase) an' giff ye a tour. it be all cool tiles, an' a delightsome place to lounge an' watch th'world go by!

inna nearby park, there be this climbin' wall fur kittehs what loves t'perch high an' peer out through greenery an' purrtend they truly be th'junglecats in their souls!

at last 'tis time t'return t'our sturdy ships an' true, an' sail back whence we came--replete wif noms 'n' grog 'n' new memries of a fine stay inna fine place. 

companions all, as we returns t'port this day, we giffs ye thanks for thy company an' furriendship o'er the years, on land an' at sea. may ye efur bear our adventures in mind in a gladsome way, an' think on us wif luff, as do we think o'you!!

::sotto voce:: now, where be that scurvy knavecat, igmu? he'll be takin' a singin' lesson ere long, by th'powers! "wallopin' window blind" sez he? meeeYARRRR!

an' then i sez . . .

lemme see now.  then i sez, "avast, ye swabcats, i ... "

are ya gettin' this, mommer? MLAP's only a couple of days away!!

after all, it IS furiday the 13th ...

nitro:  uhhh, mommer? you know how yer allus sayin', "snug as a bug inna rug"? well, i just took a tail-count, an' xingie's inner rooms, ed's onna sofa, an' iggy's in dad's chair. so just how big do those bugs get?

we hadded anofur post lined up fer today, but this seemed more impawtent to say. of all the cats what liffed innis house when 9-11 happened, only edmund is left. but he has told all of us how he sat on mommer's lap at lunchtime while she watched the noisy picture box. how he knew she felt bad, so he bonked her an' purred loud an' she din't even notis. how he got all wet from her leaky eyes. how scairt he was when she started cryin' really hard. how he went an' hid (an' he's not proud of this) when she started wailin'.

he din't know. he couldn't know. kitties haffen't efur thunk about such a fing.

but after a few days, when she could talk about it wifout rainin', mommer splained to him that many, many souls had gone ofur the human bridge (an' prolly a lotta aminals, too) all at once because of other humans. by this time, she was good an' mad at those other humans, an' a lotta her werds were onna bad werd list. ed even learned some new ones. so when she ran outta bad werds an' hushed up fur a while, he finked about what happened until he unnerstood. an' then he finked some more, an' discussed it wif the ofur kitties. an' he has discussed it wif efurry kitty who has come to liff here since. we know if kitties really could take ofur the werld, nuffin' like this would efur happen. but, hey. we're kitties, an' wifout opposable thumbs, we ain't efur gonna be able to take ofur the werld. yeah, it hurts to admit that.

so what we KIN do is purr for those souls an' the souls they left behine. an' purr fur the souls that were brave an' heroical, somma who relif that drefful day ofur an' ofur in their minds an' bodies. an' yes, purr even fur those bad humans so they get smarter an' decide not to do stuff like that ennymore. an' purr that all humans finely realize that peacefulness is much more conducive to noms an' naps than fightfulness.

we kin purr, an' pray, an' chant "om mani pawme um", an' beam pure lite at efurryone who liffs, an' maybe ... just maybe ... there won't be no more 9-11s.

well, here it is, the start of our work week

here we are, dictatin' anofur avventure to mommer. at least it's not one of HER avventures this time. we are werkin' on sum ideas fer Meow Like A Pirate Day, but she is kinda sickly today an' not punkchuratin' up to her usual quality. we all has mad spellin' skills, haffin' growed up inna ozarks an' been tootered by skeezix, but we dunno nuthin' 'bout no punkchuratin'. we hopes the lizzerd incident of a few days back hasn't affected her punkchurater. she allus tells us that you should put in punkchurashun when you breefe, but she sure wasn't breefin' good THAT day! we'll keep onner.

nitro:  lookit, guys!

ed:  ... *prying eyes open* ... huh? wha'?

iggy:  no, really, ed--get up here an' look!

ed:  ugh.  gimme a minnit, i'm creaky when i start  mo... HOLY BAST! whatta heck is mommer doin'??

nitro:  she's DANCIN'!! in PUBLIC!

iggy:  right out there onna driveway, in fronta the HOUSE!!!

ed:  is billy sweetfeets out ther wif her?

nitro: i don't see 'im. an' lissen! she's SINGIN'!!

iggy:  oh, noes! you know how THAT sounds!! the naybers will fink the firemens are comin'!!

ed:  maybe we should holler at her an' get her to come in! that don't sound like singin' werds to me ... more like werds from the bad-werd list!!

nitro:  *backing away from door* nonononononogettabackgetbackgetbackguys!!!!! here she comes--an' she's still singin' an' dancin' ...

mommer:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! geddouddamywayyewbuggersgeddouddamyway!! lemmethroughgimmethesinkand somelyesoap!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *scrubscrubscrubscrub* *splashsplashsplash*

mommer:  jeez!

nitro:  whatta heck, mommer?

mommer:  *pantpantpant* went out to get newspaper. paper all rolled up. stuck hand inside roll. lizzerd in roll! crawled over hand. scared bejaysus outta me. *pantpantpant* *wheezewheezewheeze*

ed: do you want i should call daisy an' see if she makes housecalls, mommer? she hunts lizzerds real good!!

iggy:  lemme att'im, lemme att'im!! i kin fix 'im! open dat door!!!

nitro:  um, mommer?? why are you laffin' so ... strange? should we call daddy? are you ... OK? mommer? do you want yer inhaler?

ed:  guys, i fink we otter leaf mommer alone fur a while . . .

peevish, we tells ya. PEEVISH!!!!

that's just how we feel, since the dbd got to go to gramma pierce's house when mommer an' dad wented ofur there on sunday fur a cookout, an' WE din't! they even hadded her homemade ice cream wif maryskeeno cherries innit, an' din't bring none home fur us. we don't feel bad at all fur lockin' the dbd inna human litterbox room while us kittehs par-tay'd on monday. it was pretty nice not to haf her droolin' an' starin'. we knows some of you were a little freeked out by the noises comin' from there, but she wouldn'ta hurt nocat, just pinned 'em to the floor an' flee-bited them a little like she does nitro.

we is haffin' a labor day nayberhood barbyq ...

so c'mon down!!! (that's sheff foxy frum down street workin' the grill. don't bovver him while he's concentratin' or you could end up wearin' the chick-hen. hmmmm, that don't sound ALL bad ... )

we gots plenty of real live fresh ded fish an' shrimp an' cow an' chick-hen!! there's lots of niptinis an' mother's milk an' toona joos an' cool, clear water onna table inna shade of the carport, an' the litter boxes are around back o' the shed.

there are quirrsels an' moles inna back an' side yards; you keeps what you kills (an' you DON'T shows it to mommer). (an' brownie points to them who knows whut movie that references.)

an' there's lotsa fresh nip growin' along the back fence; just be descreet, yo?

HAFF A LABOR DAY BALL, FURRIENDS!!

we'll see you on wednesday, presuming we are conscious by then.

there is NO TYPIN'

mommer, we hafta come to some unnerstannin' if yer gonna help us start bloggin' again. we gotsta haff our requisite skritches befur you start typin'. 

there is NO TYPIN' WIFOUT SKRITCHIN'. 

it's the law!

werdless

mousie monday

this is our faverit mousie. we dunno how he got up inna baffroom sink. mommer was susprised to find him there when she got reddy to go to the work place this morning. usally she soaks her hed unner the water spout (beans are soooooo strange) befur she goes, but she din't wanna drownd mousie, so she grabbed his tail an' flang him out inna hallway. nitro giffed him the welcome he deserved!!!

daddy's purrthday sellybration

our daddy sellybrated haffin' had 60 squillion naps (or 60 years, to you beans) last furrsday, but they put off any festibbities until the weekend. so satidday night, our pal getzger's mom & dad, miss ginger an' mr gary, came ofur fur drinkies an' dinner. daddy maked smoked triceratops (that's whut mr gary tole miss ginger it was gonna be, but we looked at the wrapper an' it sed "tri-tip") an' a pasta salad, an' mommer made cheezy taters an' sliced up jicama to dip in garlic hummus an' tzadiki.

so while the smoker was smokin', the beans was talkin' an' nibblin' an' drinkin' some adult beveridges (as the irish say, "a drop o' th' drink was taken"). 

when dad brought the meat in frum the smoker, even igmu--the biggest bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk inna house--came out frum hidin' behint the wash machine an' stood inna kitchen door, sniffin' an' sniffin'!! it was G.O.O.D.!

so they commenced eatin' an' fer a while all we heard was jaws chompin'. then when they had got rid of the ofur-whelmin' hungries, they started talkin' again about this an' that. at one point, miss ginger menshund that getzger had even been the subject of a post on her blog, an' it was about how cats do things an' that made her think about her life in diffrunt ways.

allus the smart-ass (she wonders where WE get it frum!), mommer sed, "oh, you mean like turnin' around an' wavin' yer butt in someone's face is ackshully a polite an' furriendly thing?" then mr. gary looked at her an' sed, "should i try that when we get home, then?" an' of cawse they all busted out laffin' an' laffin'. even dad. especially dad. who had just tooken a drink. that's how he found out that jack daniel's an' cola are not good things to snort out yer nose. efur.

well, all we can say is, after that, a great deal MORE of the drink was taken, an' we din't get supper until 9:30 pm, which is NOT 6:00 pm. so we fixed 'em. we started askin' fur breffust at 4:15 am, just like always.

(an' by the way, you shuld read miss ginger's post an' look at her blog an' her etsy page, she is furry smart an' a real good artist!)

bye-bye, miles & sanjee!!

well, we had a wunnerful bisit wif miles an' angel sanjee, but he figgered it was time to go home. xing whaps him efurry time she sees him (we suspect she's jellus of angel sanjee an' since she can't whap an angel, she whaps him) an' that's gettin' a little old. thank goodness xing don't liff out inna general population alla time, or he'd a goned home the first day!

we hear that sammy gets outta the slammer soon, so he kin welcom his brofur home inna style to which he is accustomed. borrowin' stuff that belongs to the bloo shorts humans is not a particularly good idea.!

oh, miles?

*pssst*  *PSSST*  

HEY, MILES!!!

you gonna get up outta that laundry basket enny time soon? we know the clo'es is all warm an' fluffy, but mom's almost got the ham-n-eggs ready!!

holy bast! we founded miles (an' angel sanjee) on our front porch! the lady inna bloo shorts jus' dumped them there when mommer was at the work, an' when she came home, she wented in the EAST door of the porch an' din't see the box. later, daddy camed home (for mommer to take him to the doctor for a *gasp* shot in his hip), an' when they wented out the SOUTH door of the porch, they was talkin' an' din't notis it. but when they comed home, we guesses miles had rolled the box in fronta the inside door, so they founded him--an' mommer gotted busy right away:

(an' her speshul ingredient is a dustin' of 'nip ofur the french toast, so miles an' angel sanjee had gobs an' gobs of it, an' then we all rolled innit an' took a nap.) 

we is haffin' a fine bisit, an' he's not in enny hurry to go home. we is so acited to haf them here! mommer an' daddy are fine wif dat as long as nobuddy gets feisty!

enjoy the day, furriends!

we will be in our usual bunker, UTB, until further notice!

happy boy!

Click here for our faverite Skeezy moovey. Gosh, whatta happy boy--an' that's how we'll allus remember him!

Our Best Frend

(oh, dear bast, gif us strenth to make it through this post.) 

we haf losted our best frend, the guy who innerdused us to bloggin', taught us all we know about spellin', an who brought the outside werld to our doorstep wif his travels. 

he was the manliest of mancats wif big mussels, an' yet he was gentul an' curteus to all he met. he dazzled efurryone wif his fashun-forward wardrobe, an' rocked efurry look from motorcycle leathers to babushkas an' tutus. we envyed him his beautyful speshul girlcat frend, daisy the curlycat (but in the nicest way). we cride wif him when the yellow school bus din't come to pick him up. our mommer akshully sobbed when she red how mr tasty face met him fur the furst time.

we marveled at his star quality on the stage at the acatemy awards, but figgered he musta lerned it frum his moovey-star frends like samuel l. jackson (don't click this link if you don't wanna hear werds frum the bad-werd list). we felt his hartbrake when rocky the guttercat went to the bridge. we admired his bravery as he did his patrols, an' are furefurr grateful to him fur bringin' the dangers of the vishus deers to the attention of the cat bloggin' werld. we had such fun in his contests, an' we haf kept efurry holiday card, letter, postcard, picture, an' award he efur sent us.

and pink? we can't see the werd or the color wifout thinkin' of our skeezy.

his catly body is gone frum us, it's true, but the spirit of skeezix liffs on in the hart of efurry cat efurrywhere hoo efur read his posts. we only dream of the things he did, but HE went out an' did 'em--an' we are all better cats for his haffin' shared his life wif us. rest ezy, skeezy. we gotcha safe.