THE WORLD CATSTITUTION
Whereas: All cats (an' their squillion cousins) are created equal to one another and superior to other life forms, and all other, lesser species must learn to deal with those facts,
and
Whereas: All rights and benefits which accrue to cats do also accrue unto squillions,
Therefore:
We the Felines (an' Squillions) of the World, in order to form a more beneficial union with lesser species, establish justice, insure our domestic tranquility, provide for our common defense, promote our general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty and a quality lifestyle to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Catstitution.
I. All cats have the right to be worshipped as they please.
II. No gov or mint shall infringe upon kitties’ freedom to screech.
III. All cats have the right to keep and bear/bare claws, and this right must not be infringed upon with claw-trimmers of any sort.
IV. No new kitties may be quartered, temporarily or permanently, in cat-occupied domains without specific prior permission from the cat occupants.
V. All cats have the right to not be unreasonably squished into PTUs and transported to beans of the veterinary persuasion, nor have their catly persons violated with cold thermometers and stabby needles, without probable cause, i.e., incontrovertible evidence that illness is present and/or a request from the cat in question.
VI. All cats have the inalienable right to walk on any surface, sleep anywhere, and groom themselves anywhere they please.
VII. All cats are perfect, just as they are, no other life form shall have the right to pass judgment as to height, weight, and ratios thereof upon them.
VIII. All kitties have the right to nap in peace without flashy boxes in their faces.
IX. All kitties have the right to nutritious food and clean water on demand, not when the beans/staff/slaves finally decide to pull themselves out of bed or off the couch.
X. All kitties have the right to have as much ham and tem-tay-shuns as desired without working for them.. “Stupid pet tricks” are for dogs.
XI. All kitties have the right to have all the cabinet doors left open at all times.
XII. All cats have the right to daily playtime with their beans/staff/slaves.
XIII. All cats have the right to get medieval on the butts of any human who stands on a kitty tail.
XIV. All kitties have the right to have nip, fevver-butt mice, and other fevver toys upon request.
XV. All cats have the right to go outside without snoopervision, as long as they do not get into any trouble (including putting themselves at risk of lives [#1 through #9] and limbs), and come home when called.
XVI. All kitties have the right to kill mice and other prey as available, and furthermore, said prey shall not be "saved" by squeamish humans. Gratitude to and admiration of the cat is incumbent upon the human when presented with a trophy. And smile when you say it!
XVII. No kitty, ever, is responsible for breakage.
XVIII. All kitties are gloriously clad in fur as their birthright; cats shall not be constrained to wear clothing if they do not want to.
XIX. All cats have the right to occupy the following loci: sunbeams; beds, sofas, and chairs pre-warmed by the tushies of beans, other cats, or lesser species; magic blankets; heat vents; and the best sleeping spots, wherever these may be found.
XX. No cat shall be placed under compulsion by force or blandishment to cede any spot named in Article XIX to previous occupants.
XXI. All kitties have the right to clean, fresh, acceptably-textured litter in adequately sized boxes, and/or access to the back garden at all times.
XXII. All cats are nocturnal and beans should just get used to hearing thundering herds of elephants and rattle balls in the bathtub at 3:00 ayem in the morning.
AMENDMENTS
- This Catstitution cannot be rendered null or void.
- No cat will be discriminated against based on any physical attribute, origin, or breed.
- All cats shall be considered invisible when they so consider themselves to be.
- Every kitty is entitled to claim, "I meant to do that!" at any relevant point.
Please go here to catify an' rattify our Catstitution! We's sorry we din't haf this all ready to go when we published . . . Mrs. OZ mos' kindly prodded us inna right direction!
